Graduate from Seminary? Check!

I am proud to annouce that I have graduated from 4 years of Seminary! I am actually pretty proud about it. Waking up at 5 in the morning for 4 years is quite the accomplishment. Maybe I didn't get all that I wanted to from it, but I did learn from it. People take advantage of things like that. I know I did. I slept in a lot and I didn't really care about going. But it really is important. As I get older I care more about the church and maybe that's because I've seen too many friends stop caring about it. But I am grateful that I had the opportunity to go to Seminary and I even got to experience 3 different teachers and classes.

I'm so excited to be done though!

The beginning of the end (:

My apologies

Well, I realize the last few blogs have been slightly depressing. And if you follow my twitter (which you probably don't cause I don't think anyone reads this...) you realize that I have not been in the best mood. For that, I give you all my deepest apologies. I'm not sorry I was sad, that would be a stupid thing to be sorry about. I'm just sorry I let it all out on you guys for the last few days. Honestly, life hit me hard these last days. Let's just say, my eyes were swollen when I woke up on Saturday. Swollen from crying. I've been having a really emotional last couple of days. They were valid reasons. Life just is not fair sometimes.

I don't want to talk about my problems anymore than I have to, but my friend's mom is sick. I've known them since I was about 9 and it makes me really sad that they have to go through this. I feel for him and her and the pain they are all in. A part of me wants her to keep holding on, even though she doesn't have much time left. But another part of me wants her to pass away just so she is not in any more pain and so he doesn't have to see her in pain. But I can't imagine losing my mom. I can't imagine not having her there for me. He's a great guy and I really wish I could help him. But that's the other problem I'm having...

Court and I talked and we decided it's time we stop holding on to certain things. I need to say goodbye to the past. I need to stop living in the past when it's not happening anymore. Living in the past effects my future and I need to stop. As much as I love those guys back there, friendship is a 2 way street and I can't keep forcing them to stay connected. We'll always be friends. We've been through so much together that we will always be connected in someway. But it's not the same and it's not how I thought our lives would end up. Things change, life happens and I need to move on with it. It hurts though and I feel like I'm losing something I love. But my hopes are that of course we'll always be friends somehow and I know that when I go back of course we'll hang out. But it's been really hard for me these last couple of days. They were like my security. I knew that when I felt lonely here all I had to do was think of them and I knew that I was wanted and loved. Sometimes I do feel left out here, not exactly sure where I belong. Then again, I'm in that changing part of my life so I suppose it's normal.

Anyways, I've been down and emotional and a mess. Thanks for putting up with it. I promise I am trying to get back to how I want to be. But I've always struggled with that. More than anyone knows. So, I will continue working to get back and be more positive. If life could just stop knocking me down it would be great, thanks!

Green monster is back...

Remember how my first post I rambled on and on about jealousy?
Remember the girl I talked about?
I was right. It was me. It's my fault that I'm jealous. She could care less about me. Honestly, I don't even think she gives me a seconds thought anymore. And now I finally know why I am jealous.
She has my life.
When I moved I realized that she got my friends...all to herself and so even though of course I still talk to my friends, she gets to hang out with them, see them everyday and make new memories with them, instead of just reliving the old ones like I have to. She's apparently grown really close to a certain guy. A guy that I love. He's amazing. He's funny and sweet and one of those people I would have died without. I miss him, I always have but lately, instead of being a dull pain, it's a full out ache. Now instead of missing him, I MISS him. I see funny stuff he said to her or fun stuff they did together and it just makes it worse. I don't hate her, she deserves to be happy. I just wish I was there too. I wish I was there for his funny comments or his random adventures. I just wish I could be one of his best friends again. He probaby doesn't give me much of a seconds thought either, but once upon a time we used to be super close and best friends.
It makes me sad when I realize that I am holding onto these best friends and I don't know they feel the same. I miss him...I miss our friendship...I miss us.
But now he's made a different us and replaced me...

Tick!

So, last night I saw a weird blackish spot on me. I try to flick it off, but it didn't move. So I feel that it's a bump so I pull it off. It was a tick! Ewww my first tick. I threw it on the ground and then I saw it had legs and was a bug! It's head was like burrowed in my leg and I had to pull it out. It was disgusting. I could hardly sleep, I had this awful feeling that they were all over me. My leg is really sore now today. I'm a little worried.

I Wish

Yesterday was Tooele's last day of school. Today all the Seniors are at Lagoon together. I'm jealous. I'm sad and I wish I was there. I should be graduating with them. Sure, I have learned to love the people here but I feel so connected to the people there. I want to be with them at graduation and the all night parties and Lagoon. Right now I wish I was there. I know everyone says graduation is bittersweet. I scoffed and said, yeah right, I can't wait. But it is bittersweet. It's sad to say goodbye to everyone. But for me it's even more sad as I look around and wish I was with the people from my childhood. These people all shared their childhood memories together, but mine are 1,000 miles away sharing it together a week earlier.
I miss it. I miss them.
I wish I was there.

I GOT MY LETTER!

As my title says, I GOT MY LETTER! If you read my earlier posts you heard about me talking about the letter I wrote to myself 5 years ago. And I finally got it! Makes me feel even more weird and old. Anyways, it was amazing! I mostly talked about my friends back in Utah and how much I loved them. I had 9 friends write me, including Robby Poffenberger! (Refer back a few posts and then you'll know who I'm talking about) His letter was awesome (: It was super sweet and funny, as usual. He even told me "Remember to remember the little things." That really hit me. Now that I think back about life (not that I'm super old...I just feel like this is a big turning point in my life) I realize there are some little things that I remember perfectly and happily. I really love that he said that to me. That's just another thing I love about him. As I said, he is constantly inspiring me. So now I am actually trying to remember the little things.
To myself, I wrote a few things of where I wanted to be in 5 years. I actually didn't accomplish the first one. I wanted to have something that I've written published by now... I am working on another story, but it's not even finished or close to being published. The other things I said were being drug free -check! and never smoking (not even a puff hahah that's exactly how I worded it) -check! I am proud of those things. But seeing how much I wanted something published made me want to finish my story. I had 5 years to publish something. I could have easily done it. I'm slightly disappointed in myself. But all in all, the letter was awesome. And reading Robby's letter took me right back to those times.
I loved it (:

:(

I hate hurting people. I feel like it's not my fault...I didn't mean to hurt him. But then I feel like it is my fault, like I should be able to fix it. Or fix me. I think something is wrong with me. I'm not always sure why I feel the way I feel or do or say the things I do and say. Let's just say, a great guy likes me. He's sweet and funny and fun to be around. He would be a great boyfriend or even just a summer fling. And yet, even though he's interested in me...I feel...nothing? Why?? I obviously know how great he is and he's done some crazy sweet things for me and yet I don't like him? I shouldn't have to force myself to like someone either. And even though this sounds like some stupid line (such as "it's not you, it's me" which I don't actually think is all that stupid...I mean I've used it before and it was the complete truth) but he really does deserve better than me. He deserves someone who likes him right away, who shouldn't have to think about it or force it. It should just already be there. Now I feel like I hurt this great guy. A great guy who still struggles to be great. He's been through plenty in his life and I can't just make a little part of his life better? I could've faked it. It wouldn't have been hard because I like hanging out with him and we're friends. But I didn't want to lead him on. I didn't want to get even farther into it and then break his heart even worse. I wanted to stop it before it started. But I still fear that I hurt him. He does deserve better. Not just a stupid line. I mean it. I said we can still be friends (another line...I guess I'm full of those) and I meant it. I don't want to not hang out or be friends. I hope we can still be okay. Cause he is a great guy...I'm just screwed up.
I guess the line works again in this situation...
It's not you, it's me.

Chuck!

Another thing I love....Chuck! The TV show is just great. It's fun, mostly happy and so cute. Today's episode finally had Chuck and Sarah get married. Cutest. Thing. Ever. I want a Chuck. He's dorky and adorable and cute. He's also super sweet and protective and would die for her. Who wouldn't want that?? I do. He's such a cute little nerd that looks at Sarah as if he still can't believe she could ever like him back. It's just adorable.

I think it's about time I find my Chuck!

Laptop Loser

I am a laptop loser. I sit at my laptop and take stupid pictures with my webcam.
I also love Harry Potter...possibly too much.

Proof:

Things I love...

In no particular order...

1-Rain. I love the smell and feel and look of the rain. It's soothing and comforting to me. One thing I liked about moving to NC was that the rain was warm. That means I can stand outside and play in the rain without freezing to death. I plan on having a heck of a cute kiss in the rain at some point in time in my life.

2-White Roses. They are so gorgeous. They are simple but pure. Plus they smell great. I had white roses in my Prom corsage this year (:

3-My kitty. His name is Fluffy. He's not really our cat, he is the neighborhood stray, but he likes our house the best and sits curled up on the rug in front of the fridge. He is currently staring out the window now though because the birds are really loud outside.

4-Henrietta Pippa (my laptop). She's so sleek and convenient. When I was younger I used to pretend books were laptops and I pretended I was a spy. I used to think the only person who had their own laptop was a spy doing secret things.

5-My piano. I wish I played as much as I used to. I've started playing more and I just learned how to play Rolling In The Deep by Adele! I was pretty excited about that one. I'm a dork who sits at my piano singing my little heart out.

This is Fluffy (:

Pockets

Courtney is my best friend, my sister, my pockets. I love this girl to death.

We've known eachother for what seems like forever. We only lived a street away and an empty field connected our two streets. We met through the common love of Johnny Depp and then Michael Vartan. First time we hung out I introduced her to my older brother and his "super hot" friends. I would never have survived middle school without her. We rode the bus together and stalked "the hat" (an older guy that we thought was sooo cute). We hung out every day after school doing homework, playing Halo or just talking to boys on the computer. She used to make me quesadillas (I never learned how to spell that silly word) everyday. Even when we fought (which was not often) we still hung out. We were just that weird. Some of my favorite memories are with this girl. Like saying "sowy" or her always telling me "sonrie". Or "shank you for shanking me!" or her cute, fat hands. Or when we made up that stupid dance to try and lose weight. One time we wanted to make brownies but didn't have ingredients so we put oil from my house in measuring cups and tried to cross the field to her house without spilling. We were laughing so hard that of course I spilled all over my favorite pants (that used to be Court's). We were geniuses. Or the time we were wandering the neighborhood and wanted to see how nice a backyard was so we knocked on the door and asked to see their backyard. Creepy... She helped me stay awake 48 hours for a science fair project and dealt with my crazy hallucinations. We watched One Tree Hill and Smallville together each week. She would walk me to the halfway point after everytime we hung out, where we'd do our handshake (that we both still remember!) and then separate for a few hours. She's traveled all over with me. She's been to Idaho with me to stay with my Grandma. We've been to Vegas to visit my other Grandma and cousins and she's even been to NC twice and the Outer Banks. She has the kindest heart I've ever known. She's the kind of person that makes you want to be a better person. She's so sweet and caring that you want to protect her in any possible way so that the world will never hurt or change her. She's reliable and responsible in the way that only someone that's gone through what she has, could be. She's so strong and has had life try to push her down too many times. She's small and adorable and a burst of energy. I honestly would be a different person if it was not for Court. She's helped me in soo many ways. I'd say she has no idea how she's helped me, but she does. She knows everything about me and she still loves me. She doesn't judge me, she just loves me. She knows my flaws and my weaknesses and loves me for them. We've had every possible reason to be torn apart: catty girls, family situations, health problems, other friends, definitely boys and the fact that we live 1,773 miles apart. But nothing will ever tear us apart and we know it. We share everything together including the first guy we both truly loved and cared for. Someone that we both struggle with getting over. It didn't ruin our friendship. After all we've been through I don't think anything will ruin our friendship. We'll grow old and still be silly together. She's my sister and my family agrees. My Mom misses her as much as she misses her own children. She's a part of this family and everyone agrees. She's met my whole family and cousins and grandparents and aunts and uncles and fits right in, she's even spent Christmas and Thanksgiving with us. As much as we want her to marry my brother it doesn't matter, because even if she doesn't she's still family. You can't help but love her the second you meet her. I've always been jealous of her. We fight about who is prettier but guys always liked her more. She has a glow and a love radiating from her that attracts anyone and everyone. She's beautiful inside and out. She's my most "beautifuless"friend. I love you Pockets <3

Henrietta Pippa, Plain White T's and Glee

I am blogging from my new laptop! She's an HP so I named her Henrietta Pippa. She is amazing. I don't know how I survived without her! Skype and Mozilla Firefox are officially downloaded and I'm in love with the webcam. After a long day I'm curled up in a blanket on my bed watching Hulu.
Prom plans got pretty screwed up and now our group is a mess and my date is going to miss pictures and dinner...so I'm going to be alone for group pictures while everyone else has dates. Lame.
But then I came home and I found A SIGNED PICTURE OF THE PLAIN WHITE T'S!!
They played a courtyard show at 107.5 and I asked a guy I know how I could get tickets but I could only win tickets so I couldn't go. But he obviously was there and he got them to sign a picture for me. It was soo sweet and it made my day better! I love them! The picture is now hanging on my wall (:

Also, I'm obsessed with the song Rolling In The Deep. It's usually by Adele but I can't stop listening to the Glee version. Check it out! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7TbOxROSuxQ

I don't know if I've ever heard a sexier voice. Mmmm my heart melts everytime he sings. It's simply gorgeous!

New boots (:

Since I'm going to college I figured it's about time I branch out and get new clothes. So the other day I found boots for 7 dollars! I bought 3 pairs of them (: Here's a pair of them and a new shirt and dress I got (:

Life's got a sense of humor

Sometimes you don't get what you want until you don't want it anymore.
Life can be funny like that.

Changes

I got a letter today from an old friend. I haven't seen him for about 2 and a half years and this is really the first contact we've had. After getting the letter it made me think about how some people change over time and also how some people don't. He seemed the same, except maybe more mature. It made me wonder if people think I've changed. Back in 8th grade we wrote a letter to ourselves that our teacher said she would mail to us when we graduate. I sent my teacher my address and now I can't wait! I'm hoping to get it soon. I can't really remember everything I said and I can't remember what my friends said either...but I'm so excited to see how I've changed. My teacher hasn't replied though so I'm hoping that I will still get the letter...I have some fear that something is going to go wrong. I've waited 5 years! I can't wait to re-read what my friends said and what I said. My parents and brother even wrote me (although they didn't let me read it before I sealed it in the envelope which just makes me even more anxious!)
While writing that letter I didn't expect me to be where I am now. I'm not sure if that's good or bad. I can't wait to read the letter and see what I was expecting.

School?

School is the biggest waste of my time. I'm not just saying that because I'm a Senior and tired of school (which I am) but I seriously do nothing, all day long. So far I watched a movie in my zero period and I spent first period wandering around the hall doing errands for my teacher. And here I am blogging. If I have enough time to sit down and tell you all about this then obviously I have too much time on my hands.
I like that I'm not slammed with work but I would just rather not be here. I missed two days last week though so I'll probably come everyday this week...just not for the whole day. I can't take much more of this pointlessness (is that a word? Obviously school has not taught me much).

Peyton and Brooke

If you know me at all then you know I'm slightly obsessed with the TV show One Tree Hill. I've seen every episode ever made and I own all the seasons. My best friend and I are just like the girls on the show. Okay...not JUST like but relationship wise I think we're pretty close. We even have the whole hair color going for us too. Anyways, Rachel is my Brooke. We even call eachother Brooke and Peyton and although Rae does not get around with guys quite as much as Brooke, she still gets around. And I have my moments of wanting to be alone and depressed and just listening to my music. Rae and I have been through a lot together, pretty much all good. Although life has thrown us a few curve balls, like family, friends, health problems and even boys. We never really fight though and the one time we did have a semi-big fight it was over in a day and ironically it was like a situation from One Tree Hill!
We've had so many good memories that it's crazy to imagine not knowing eachother. Almost all of my big or happy moments in life she has been right by my side. We're always there for eachother and I can't imagine it being any other way. I think about my future big moments (the closest one being graduation!) I know that she'll be right by my side for those too. Sometimes we're so alike it's just creepy and sometimes I think we know eachother better than we know ourselves. She's so strong and she's there for me when I can't be there for myself. She's like a sister to me. She's gorgeous and random and together we make a pretty great person. She'll always be my Brooke.

I miss Florida

I miss Florida and Hogwarts!

Universal is one of the coolest places ever!

It made me feel like the luckiest and happiest person in the world.

I miss the love bugs and the rides and I even miss the lines. I miss the Butterbeer and the hot guys that work at Harry Potter World. I miss the adrenaline rush and the wonderfully warm weather. I miss the food and the ocean and being tan. I miss the feeling of crawling into my bed after a long and exhausting day, but smiling as I fell asleep and thought about how great my day was.

I loved being with the people I love the most and I miss them.

I'm ready to go back...

Now!

Expect the Unexpected

I hate when people say expect the unexpected, because if you are expecting the unexpected then it's not unexpected is it? I just decided that this statement really bothers me. People will say it as if it's the best advice to give someone, yet it doesn't really make any sense. The saying really just negates itself.

Expect the unexpected...another way of saying make it expected or expect everything. Not very realistic...

Jealousy

I feel like I should start this blog out with some cute "get to know me" kind of game. But, I'm not going to. So if that's what you are looking for, sorry to disappoint. I'm actually going to talk about that awful green monster everyone has (why is it green? I like the color green. I mean why can't the monster be black or some dark shade of red...wouldn't that make more sense anyways?) called jealousy.
I hate jealousy and it always seems that girls have it the worst. I guess guys either don't care or are so good at not feeling their own feelings that they just don't even know what's going on. But I wonder what makes us all so eager to be jealous? It creates such bad feelings between even the best of friends. I had this friend, I'd like to say we were good friends but we were constanly competing. When I found out I was moving we were nice and good friends again but even after I moved we still competed with eachother. I talked about how awesome people in NC are and she talked about all that I was missing. We even compared Christmas presents. I mean really, who cares? Anyways, we just found eachother again and updated eachother on our lives. As we talked I realized it sounded just like old times, always trying to one up eachother. But a new thought made me stop and re-evaluate myself. Was she actually trying to one up me? Or did I just completely misinterpret her updating me. I did ask about her life and she answered.
Maybe I'm the petty one. Maybe I'm the one with the big green (aka black) monster. She's not the only friend that jealousy has ruined for me, but what do the two situations have in common? Me. Maybe I'm the one that misinterprets things for showing off or bragging. This should probably be fixed...quickly. Just a thought.