My apologies

Well, I realize the last few blogs have been slightly depressing. And if you follow my twitter (which you probably don't cause I don't think anyone reads this...) you realize that I have not been in the best mood. For that, I give you all my deepest apologies. I'm not sorry I was sad, that would be a stupid thing to be sorry about. I'm just sorry I let it all out on you guys for the last few days. Honestly, life hit me hard these last days. Let's just say, my eyes were swollen when I woke up on Saturday. Swollen from crying. I've been having a really emotional last couple of days. They were valid reasons. Life just is not fair sometimes.

I don't want to talk about my problems anymore than I have to, but my friend's mom is sick. I've known them since I was about 9 and it makes me really sad that they have to go through this. I feel for him and her and the pain they are all in. A part of me wants her to keep holding on, even though she doesn't have much time left. But another part of me wants her to pass away just so she is not in any more pain and so he doesn't have to see her in pain. But I can't imagine losing my mom. I can't imagine not having her there for me. He's a great guy and I really wish I could help him. But that's the other problem I'm having...

Court and I talked and we decided it's time we stop holding on to certain things. I need to say goodbye to the past. I need to stop living in the past when it's not happening anymore. Living in the past effects my future and I need to stop. As much as I love those guys back there, friendship is a 2 way street and I can't keep forcing them to stay connected. We'll always be friends. We've been through so much together that we will always be connected in someway. But it's not the same and it's not how I thought our lives would end up. Things change, life happens and I need to move on with it. It hurts though and I feel like I'm losing something I love. But my hopes are that of course we'll always be friends somehow and I know that when I go back of course we'll hang out. But it's been really hard for me these last couple of days. They were like my security. I knew that when I felt lonely here all I had to do was think of them and I knew that I was wanted and loved. Sometimes I do feel left out here, not exactly sure where I belong. Then again, I'm in that changing part of my life so I suppose it's normal.

Anyways, I've been down and emotional and a mess. Thanks for putting up with it. I promise I am trying to get back to how I want to be. But I've always struggled with that. More than anyone knows. So, I will continue working to get back and be more positive. If life could just stop knocking me down it would be great, thanks!